My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
