How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Someone shattered a urinal.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
