I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
