May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
