if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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