I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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