Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
ttyl tear gas
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
