my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
