mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
