break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
My ATM looks so different sober.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
