found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
