I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
