Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
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