Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
