im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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