Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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