Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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