I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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