Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
