Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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