you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
