I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
