a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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