my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
