It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
birth control should be required to get into college
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
