She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
