Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
