can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
