found the other keg... it's in the tree
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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