In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
