i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
