capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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