I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
