i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
