Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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