I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
