I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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