I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
