Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Can you bring me the toilet please
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
