apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
