Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
