I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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