I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
