Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
