rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
