i love accidental penises.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
