Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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