remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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