my phone cant type all the emotion im having
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
