I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
