I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
